Sometimes Songs Let You Cry

Updated from Summer 2018

"Sometimes people say a song made them cry when they mean a song let them cry."

I saw that quote on Twitter and couldn't get it out of my head all day.

I immediately thought of the song "My Immortal" by Evanescence.

I first heard My Immortal in 2004. I looked it up because it was on a list of songs my second child, CJ, then aged 10, had asked her younger sister, SF, to download for her when she came to my house.

CJ, formerly sharing a close and loving relationship with me since her birth, was deeply entrenched in a campaign of hatred against me, fed by her father (and his supporters) after I escaped from him. For over two years, she refused to visit me or even speak to me without hateful words. I soon found out there is a name for what was happening there: "Parental Alienation Syndrome". Though PAS is not an actual health condition, it is nonetheless a broken state of being that is not healthy for a child's development.

It is not healthy for the alienated parent, either.

Something inside of me got broken.

That was a long time ago, and the situation is better now. My daughter grew older and wiser, and she realized that the things being said about me were untrue. She learned to make her own choices, and has returned to me.

But for years, every time I heard "My Immortal", I'd take a deep breath and subconsciously ask myself, "So, are you going to make it through the song without crying this time?"

I'd nod my head and inwardly say, "Yes, I can do this."

I'd get through the nocturne piano intro played in the key of melancholy minor.

"I'm so tired of being here..." the female voice would sing.

"Suppressed by all my childish fears..."

And I'd daze out a bit, until it built into:

"These wounds won't seem to heal, this pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase..."  
That was as far as I could get before the fight began to be lost.


"When you cried, I'd wipe away all of your tears

When you'd scream, I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have all of me."

I'd think of so many times that I held my crying little girl, wiping tears from her face... and then I'd be wiping my own.

A sign of humanity.

Somewhere along the line, enough tears bled from my wounds to allow some kind of scar to form. Today I purposely tested it. In a somewhat noisy house, as the song filled my ears, I didn't cry, but I still felt the tracks of those tears, like tire ruts wanting to pull me in.

However, as I listened again later, while writing this blog post, when all was quiet and I was alone,  tears filled my eyes.

Still human.

I had to turn the song off because I don't want to cry right now.

Actually, I never want to, even though I understand some of the science and spirit behind its necessity.

Other devastations have happened over the years. My Immortal has been replaced by different songs that want to all but drown me. The songs start to play and I quickly switch them off, sometimes accompanied by a whispered "No. It hurts too much."

But maybe I need to listen and weep.

I've written a lot about tears in posts on another blog I have over at Wordpress. Here is a link for some: Posts that deal with tears .

And here is something (this link) written by a gentleman whose books helped me greatly in recovering from some traumas, Lundy Bancroft, on the topic of tears. You'll see that I commented at the end of the article, me being "Steenybopper".

In the back of my mind is the reminder that God keeps our tears in a bottle (Psalms 56:8). What exactly is meant by that, I only know darkly as through a glass, but I plan to know fully someday.

And then there's this: "...weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning." (Psalm 30:5)

And the normality of tears is pointed out in Ecclesiastes 3:4: "...A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance..."

And my favorite is from Revelation 21:4, from whence I take hope in knowing that someday God Himself will wipe away my tears. Peace, precious peace, at last.

There IS hope, but meanwhile there is the shedding of tears. <3

Thanking you for reading, 

Read more at my entire blog:

Holy Sheepdip

Related posts:  Why I Escaped (And From What Did I Escape?)
They Who Feel Too Much

Psalm 41 wrenches my heart out today

Psalm 41wrenches my heart out today, some parts more than others.

¹ Oh, the joys of those who are kind to the poor!

    The Lord rescues them when they are in trouble.
² The Lord protects them
    and keeps them alive.
He gives them prosperity in the land
    and rescues them from their enemies.
³ The Lord nurses them when they are sick
    and restores them to health.

⁴ “O Lord,” I prayed, “have mercy on me.
    Heal me, for I have sinned against you.”
⁵ But my enemies say nothing but evil about me.
    “How soon will he die and be forgotten?” they ask.
⁶ They visit me as if they were my friends,
    but all the while they gather gossip,
    and when they leave, they spread it everywhere.
⁷ All who hate me whisper about me,
    imagining the worst.
⁸ “He has some fatal disease,” they say.
    “He will never get out of that bed!”
⁹ Even my best friend, the one I trusted completely,
    the one who shared my food, has turned against me.

¹⁰ Lord, have mercy on me.
    Make me well again, so I can pay them back!
¹¹ I know you are pleased with me,
    for you have not let my enemies triumph over me.
¹² You have preserved my life because I am innocent;
    you have brought me into your presence forever.

¹³ Praise the Lord, the God of Israel,
    who lives from everlasting to everlasting.
Amen and amen!

(From the New Living Translation)

Falling

"Once upon a time I was falling in love
Now I'm only falling apart."

-Bonnie Tyler

Evil One

Evil One 

 

Evil
Evil
Evil One
How I hate you for what you have done to me

You knew I was weak
And you gave what I wanted
You took what you wanted
And then walked away

You left me dying
And you do not care
I hate you for what you have done to me

You gave me a taste of what you knew I needed
Then you took it away when I needed it most
I hate you for what you have done to me

Evil
Evil
Evil One
How I hate you for what you have done to me

"Feeling No Reason To Live"

Sometimes when one says, "I feel no reason to live," there is nothing that can be said or done to change how that person feels, so please don't argue with them - just hear them.

On a similar note...

One of the coldest things one can say to a friend who is hurting is, "It's none of my business."

• Pretending Everything's Fine When It's Not 
• They Who Feel Too Much 
• Un-Understood 
• For The Record, My Heart Is Sore

Nothing Changes On New Year's Day

I can't relate to making "New Year's resolutions", or the idea that any particular year is going to be better or worse than another.

You are still you, and I am still me.

It's all just days, and we can really only take one of them at a time.  Why bite off more than one can chew?

It's good to have goals, but setting oneself up for unrealistic expectations is not my preferred way of doing things.

And so, here is the New Year's Day song by U2, for you to get stuck in your head today.

All is quiet on New Year's Day
A world in white gets underway
I want to be with you
Be with you night and day
Nothing changes on New Year's Day
On New Year's Day
I will be with you again
I will be with you again
Under a blood red sky
A crowd has gathered in black and white
Arms entwined, the chosen few
The newspapers says, says
Say it's true it's true...
And we can break through
Though torn in two
We can be one
I...I will begin again
I...I will begin again
Oh...
Maybe the time is right
Oh...maybe tonight...
I will be with you again
I will be with you again
And so we're told this is the golden age
And gold is the reason for the wars we wage
Though I want to be with you
Be with you night and day
Nothing changes
On New Year's Day

~U2

• Pretending Everything's Fine When It's Not
• For The Record, My Heart Is Sore

 

They Who Feel Too Much

They feel "too much".

They have the power to love deeply, to understand the plight of those they adore, to heal the heartache of whoever reaches out to them.

If they give you their heart, carry it carefully.  If you drop it, you shatter it like glass.  The pieces, moonlit teardrops on a broken face, are hard to fit back together.

When they feel hope is lost, they die some more.

Stop all the music.  Songs intensify the pain.

Let the death march begin. 

They don't "get over" being harmed.  It piles up inside, silently - where it cannot be seen, sometimes hidden even from their own sight.

A new lock is added to the door of their heart.

Woe unto those who offend one of these tender beings:  not because the tender beings wish pain upon them, but because of the ways of reaping and sowing.

I pray the torments that drive the hatred of the offenders will end when they make things right with the ones they have harmed, and that the broken hearts will somehow be mended by the miracle of love.

 Some related posts:

•  Are You Highly Sensitive?
• Feeling Un-Understood 
• Info on HSPs (Highly Sensitive Persons) (from someone else's blog) 
• The Empath Within - Are You A Highly Sensitive Person? (This is also from someone else's site.   It includes a helpful list by which you might see if you are an empath/highly sensitive person)

Un-Understood

I am in a state of emotional overwhelm.

I've fought all week against one thing after another trying to steal my joy, faking it in hopes of making it, but now I have finally gone under and feel I am drowning.

I know this is not my normal state and so I am hoping I will come back up gasping for air and find the sun shining fully enough to dry these tears within.

I feel like I want to talk to someone about it, but at the same time I hold back because...

Because why?

I don't know.

Well, I do know, but I don't want to explain.

I know there is nothing anyone can to do fix anything for me, and I don't expect that, but sometimes I wish I had someone to whom I could go who would care.

I am not so unique that the feelings I have just expressed are ones that nobody else has ever felt.

I feel un-understood.

Does anyone even read this drivel?

For The Record, My Heart Is Sore

Some days I feel so lonely.

So many things combine to result in a state of being overwhelmed.

Today, my man took our two boys out so I could get my work done.  Our little girl has been napping for a few hours.  I crave this silence sometimes, but then when I get it, I feel aware of how alone I am, and it's not a good feeling.

I'm getting some work done, but I'm thinking too much, and it's mostly about unpleasant sheeyite.

Re-reading one of my blog entries didn't help matters - this one:

Wow, I Love Being Ignored - Don't You? Ugh.

Sigh.

Stuff I just won't write, but wish I could talk to someone about it, and that someone would care.

It's a fleeting moment, surely.

Life does get better, I know.

The waiting is the hardest part, but I don't even feel like looking up that Tom Petty song.  The sad one I already posted above will suffice.

Do you know what I mean?  Do you ever feel like this, where there are some things that weigh you down - things that are hard to explain even if you did have someone to talk to?  And even if you did talk about it, you fear the listener would only diminish your feelings by not understanding because they couldn't possibly?

More of my writing from past blog entries can be found in the right hand column of this page.

Here are a few samples:

• Pretending Everything's Fine When It's Not
• The NEED To Communicate
• Hair Wasn't Easy To Grow
• Why I Escaped And From What Did I Escape? (The long story)

Alone In This World

Alone In This World - © Steeny Lou 2012

When my so carefully wrapped and tied-up life

Becomes unfurled

There is no one I can tell

Coz I'm alone in this world

You might think I have someone who cares,

Who'll listen to all my pain

But no one can do anything to make me whole again

Coz I'm alone in this world

I'm still here to hear your woes

And help you bear your weight

But when trouble comes to me, I'm left alone - Who can relate?

I'm so alone in this world

How nice it is for you to have me

To listen to your stress

But I'm the only one I've got to care about my mess

Coz I'm alone in this world

I wish I had a friend

Who'd listen to my anguished cry

But all I have is me until the empty day I die

Coz I'm alone in this world

I try to reach for help

But all my strength gets me nowhere

I'm strong, they say, I'll make it through, but I still feel despair

Coz I'm alone in this world

I do believe that God is there,

Where I would rather be

But here on earth alone I walk with nobody but me

Coz I'm alone in this world

I wish all of us lonely souls

Could all join hands and pray

And talk about the things that make our days seem dead and grey

While we're alone in this world

But we're so wrapped up in our pain

And blocked from caring eyes

We cannot find each other til alone one of us dies

No more alone in this world

I anticipate a day when life

Will truly be alive

When death is dead and time is gone, and love and peace will thrive

No more alone in this world

Until that day I pray and pine

And wait and sleep and die

And hope someone on earth will say, "Your heart is in my eye,

You're not alone in this world.

"I care what happens to you,

And I want to hear it all

I'm listening like you do, I am breaking down your wall

Don't be alone in this world."

If I can be like that, then surely someone else can too

Perhaps I've not yet met them

Or perhaps they're really you

Are you alone in this world?

Are you trapped within yourself

You feel nobody cares?

Are you waiting for a friend who has the tools for heart repairs

While you're alone in this world?

I say again...

If I can be like that, then surely someone else can too

Perhaps I've not yet met them

Or perhaps they're really you

Are you alone in this world?

(I have some ideas as to how I want the music to sound.  I'm thinking two voices - male and female - harmony.  Now I just need a musician or two.  My guitar is broken and no money to fix it/buy another one anytime soon.  Contact me by leaving a comment if interested.  If you prefer your comment to not be public, if it includes contact info, let me know.)

(Music video here, of the musical instrument style I have in mind-ish.  If receiving by email, click title line above to get to the blog.)

Anyone who's ever had a heart...


 And I am not 100% happy about my first verse... it doesn't flow properly meter-wise, so I might change it eventually.

If you like my writing, check out my other entries, and click "follow" on the top left of this page.

Pretending Everything's Fine When It's Not

Do you ever feel troubled by something, or by someone - or by many somethings and someones - but you keep quiet about it, try to act like nothing's wrong, and hope you are the one that is wrong?

That a solution will be found?

That the pain will end?

Maybe someone has hurt you, but you are hoping it was unintentional, so rather than create an issue because of your own feelings, you wait, quietly, painfully, for a resolution.

Perhaps you love that person so much, you'd rather take the pain than risk hurting them by questioning them on their actions.

So, you go about life, working, talking to other people, laughing, maybe even singing, on the surface appearing to be quite normal, and maybe for the most part you do feel 99% fine, but on the inside there's that little 1% - ooh, "we are the 1%" - that is so powerful, it's on the verge of killing you despite the 99% that is trying to shut you up.

I've heard the phrase "taking the high road" - is that what that would be called?

Yeah, I think you know what I'm talking about.  You're reading this, so you must be human.

Then again, I shouldn't assume that everyone has felt this way.  Maybe some don't.  I'd love to hear about it, if so.

The song here, "Save Me", by Queen, doesn't quite say it, but in some ways it does... 

"Save me, save me, save me

I can't face this life alone"

That's not to say I'm not saved by the grace of the Lord Jesus Christ.  For me, that is a given.

But there is still life on earth.

There is so much pain here, for so many.

Save me, save me, save me...

(I bet there are more people who can relate than are willing to admit it.  Here I am to say that I am one who understands.  I have no answers, but I do understand.)

If you like my writing, check out my other entries, and click "follow" on the top left of this page.


A few other related and semi-related posts:

• Alone In This World
• Wow, I Love Being Ignored, Don't You? Ugh! 
• Why Does Sh!t Happen To Me? Ohhh, I Get It! 

Wow, I Love Being Ignored - Don't You? UGH!

Ever write to someone and end up wondering if they even received your message because they don't reply?

So you write again, only to still not receive a reply?

Or how about the infamous typing of a huge paragraph or three, in chat, and the answer is "oh", or "ok", or "yeah".

Or worse, they disconnect without a fare-thee-well of any sort.

Excuse me while I pull my hair out for a moment.

Then there's the seemingly deliberate ignoring of questions in emails.

I've heard it put something like this:

"'Yes' is an answer and 'no' is an answer.  

'I don't know' is not an answer, 

and neither is 'maybe'."

And then there's the flat out silent treatment.

Kinda makes one wonder why they continue talking to such a person.

Are we too nice?  Too hopeful?  Too forgiving?  Or is there no such thing as being "too" any of that?  I really don't know and I always welcome comments.

If it's work-related, that's most frustrating, as one doesn't necessarily want to cut ties with part of their income source, and one must be careful not to be a pest lest they get on the bad side of the other party and lose that income source because of it.

Several years ago when I was in a Laubach Literacy class on how to teach reading to adults, I saw a poster on the wall which said what I now know to be a famous quote from Albert Einstein:

For those reading this via email, I will repeat what is in this poster:  "Insanity:  doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results."

It does feel a little insane, talking to someone who doesn't answer.

Despite the fact that I have a lot of hair, if I keep attempting to communicate with those who choose to be incommunicado, I may end up with a coiffure similar to that of the famous smart dude in the above photo.

Don't let me get me!

Silence is not always golden.

Silence can feel so lonely.

Oh yeah, hint-hint... did ya know that bloggers LOVE getting comments?  ;)  Say away, whatever's on your mind, even if it's nothing to do with what I'm writing here - even if it's the fact that you've got food stuck in your teeth and it's bothering you right now.

I'm listening.

And I won't ignore you.

Do you hate being ignored?  Or are you somehow okay with it.  I'd love to hear.

If you like my writing, check out my other entries, and click "follow" on the top left of this page.

Sadness and Inability

Who do you talk to when you feel like you are going to cry, and the thing that triggered you doesn't make sense to even yourself?

I feel this is something in which I cannot be the only one.

Someone somewhere who is reading this must be able to relate and think, "Hey, yeah, really... I know what you are feeling."

I am sorry to not have an answer for them or for myself.

Sometimes it's just a word, or the way someone says that word, or the look on someone's face, or the weight of a whole world's worth of troubles.

I will restate that with a different twist:

Sometimes it is just a word, or the way it was said, or the look, which suddenly becomes the equivalent weight in emotional heaviness of a whole world's worth of troubles - the same feeling of inability to do anything about it, whether it be trying to fix one relatively small problem or trying to fix the entire broken planet.

Inability.

Inability to change something that I want to change.

Inability to even understand what the root is.

Inability to put it into words.

And hence, the feeling of sadness.

Ironically, in such situations, the one who pulled the trigger is not the one who shot me, so I do not blame them - I merely feel the feelings of pain, relive the things that caused it, even when I cannot always picture the event that inflicted the original wound.

Do you know what I mean?

At all?

I deal with things that trigger me, and I deal with the fallout.

I ask myself questions.

I ask God.

One cannot always know in advance that their actions may cause pain in me.

I will seldom tell the trigger-puller that they have shot at me.

I bear it silently.

I wonder if it happens to others?

The pain will pass, but meanwhile, I try to understand it.

There must be a reason in it.

One more is coming to mind as fitting:

PS:  I welcome comments, either in the comment box or privately, even if they are to the effect of  "I don't get it".