Life, Love, Long Hair, Weeping and Gnashing of Teeth, and other mysteries

All this and more, from a semi-Serbian, slightly sane, former editor for physicians and surgeons, who is the mother of seven kids.

Thursday, 17 May 2012

For The Record, My Heart Is Sore

Some days I feel so lonely.

So many things combine to result in a state of being overwhelmed.

Today, my man took our two boys out so I could get my work done.  Our little girl has been napping for a few hours.  I crave this silence sometimes, but then when I get it, I feel aware of how alone I am, and it's not a good feeling.

I'm getting some work done, but I'm thinking too much, and it's mostly about unpleasant sheeyite.

Re-reading one of my blog entries didn't help matters - this one:

Wow, I Love Being Ignored - Don't You? Ugh.


Stuff I just won't write, but wish I could talk to someone about it, and that someone would care.

It's a fleeting moment, surely.

Life does get better, I know.

The waiting is the hardest part, but I don't even feel like looking up that Tom Petty song.  The sad one I already posted above will suffice.

Do you know what I mean?  Do you ever feel like this, where there are some things that weigh you down - things that are hard to explain even if you did have someone to talk to?  And even if you did talk about it, you fear the listener would only diminish your feelings by not understanding because they couldn't possibly?

More of my writing from past blog entries can be found in the right hand column of this page.

Here are a few samples:


  1. Random thoughts come to mind and I may add more.

    One is this:

    I have a friend whose heart is currently broken, and I feel so sad for him. I know how it feels.

  2. Too much work for one woman sometimes. I try to do five days worth of work in four days, so I can take a three day "weekend" to do all the other housework I can't do during the week.

    1. Steenybopper and Steeny Lou are the same person, in case anyone's wondering. It just depends on which address I use for signing in.

  3. And it always hurts when people I thought were friends turn out not to be.

  4. It doesn't help that I've been sick the past few days. It's nothing debilitating, but enough to drag me down, with a sore throat and slightly stuffy head. It made it hard to fall asleep a few nights, and last night I had Neo Citran, which I rarely do because I hate the feeling of medicine.

    So, it could be the combination of lack of sleep, as well as the medicine, making it harder than usual to cope, but then, too, I do have more on my plate than usual, and less support than usual (i.e., nobody to talk to).

  5. Just want to tell you I am a listening ear if you'd ever like to use it. :)
    I know what you mean and I think most everyone has felt like you're feeling now. I also believe it will pass for you. Of course that doesn't make it hurt any less, at the moment.
    Having a trustworthy friend helps a lot, when we can vent and not worry that they think we're crazy or too emotional or too this or that. Friends like that are few and far between, in my experience, you know... friends that really are there for you, not just when it's convenient for them.
    We've all been disappointed by a friend, a time or two. It does really hurt. One thing I've learned over the years, is not to be hurt too easily by something they say or do. If I can get by without addressing it, it's better. If not, then to always approach them as if curious and asking a question about the statement or behavior in question, instead of going to them in an accusatory way.
    It really isn't 'lying' to do this. (approaching a friend, as if curious, when we are really seething inside because what they said or did seems so blatantly hurtful) No two people are going to feel the same way about something all of the time. Our standards of right and wrong are going to differ, as well, to a degree. If they've been a good friend and haven't been disloyal, it's worth it to give them the benefit of the doubt, even if, at the time, it seems impossible to see what they've said or done in any other light, other than how we feel right now.
    I guess what I'm trying to say above is that I've learned to choose my battles carefully. I actually don't have many that are 'battle worthy', compared to when I was younger. I'm not saying this is your issue. I'm just going out on a limb and writing what comes to my mind, in my own experiences.
    I also want to say that I admire you Steeny. You are so brave to write like this for all to see and judge (if that is what they so desire). I don't think I am quite so brave.

  6. I hope you start feeling better. Everyone has time when they feel down and depressed. Like the world is just too much. I know this is just a platitude and may not help, but we need the bad to enjoy the good. If you didn't feel lonely then you would not enjoy the company of your family so much. Good luck and you do have people who care.

  7. Steen, I feel you. After doing 16ish years homeschooling a socially anxious kid, trying to be wife, mom, daughter, volunteer in church and community, and try to carve out some occasional me time to write, do art or just contemplate God, some rich thoughtful text, or even what I want to do when I grow up, I struggle with the isolation and loneliness. At the risk of sounding like one of those "angry feminists", and certainly not wanting to hurt the ones I love, but sometimes I feel exhausted caretaking for everyonr around me. And there's so little reciprocity, it feels like crumbs at a table I've set. The irony I've noticed, is that typically people call me out for my selfishness when I can't meet a need/want of theirs that they could easily meet themselves if they had the inclination to get off their keisters and just do it. My problem has always been getting over my desire to please people and not to cause conflict -- sometimes it's necessary when your own health and well-being is at risk. And that's worth taking a stand for.

  8. Linny, Karla, and Artmama... thank you all. Sorry such a short comment from me, and so very late to boot, but please know that I have read and re-read all of your words, appreciating and feeling them.


Talk to me - please.