Life, Love, Long Hair, Weeping and Gnashing of Teeth, and other mysteries

All this and more, from a semi-Serbian, slightly sane, former editor for physicians and surgeons, who is the mother of seven kids.

Wednesday, 29 February 2012

Neil Of Fortune

Neil Of Fortune: Canada's Favorite Gameshow (or something like that)  
Copyright Jan. 1997, 2009 Steeny Lou
with inspiration from "Shakira B. O'Neil"
"Uh, I'd like to buy a bowel."

"O.K. Which one?"

"A moving one, please."

"Excuse me?"

"Uh, nevermind. How about an O?"

Ka-ping. Ka-ping. Vanna Black turns the blocks over.

"Yes, there are two O's," enthused Jack Stayback.



"Would you like to spin?"

"Hmmm.... Yes, I would," says the contestant.

Nervous laughter from the audience.

Jack asks, slightly annoyed, "What are you doing?"

"Spinning," the contestant says from the floor where he's lying on his back, rotating by propelling himself around with his hands and feet.

"A funny guy, huh?"

Spinning stops.

The contestant brushes himself off as he stands up and returns to his seat. He spins the wheel and it lands on "Half-eaten Tootsie Pop."

The audience ooh's and ahh's.

"Is there a . . . t?"



Disappointment flows over the audience. "Awwwww."

Commercial break.

Return to the show. Theme song for "Neil Of Fortune" plays on harmonica and acoustic guitar, with lyrics sung in whiny male vocals, to the effect of Bruce Barry and an Econoline with bullet holes in the mirrors, down by a river where a cinnamon girl was shot under a harvest moon.

Announcer's voice. "The winner of tonight's game will receive a right rear window for a 1974 Vega, a Donny Osmond T-shirt from the Value Village discount rack, and a half-eaten Tootsie-Pop with just a hiiiiint of paper stuck to one side of it . . . "

The audience goes wild with applause.

" . . . and an all-expense paid trip to Port . . . uh . . . Coquitlam!"

Self Explanatory picture here

More applause, accompanied by cheering and deep "ooh-ooh-ooh-ing" as the audience punches the air in delight.

"Yes, folks, tonight's winner will be thrilled by the industrial sights of Port Coquitlam, B.C. For two glorious fun-filled nights you'll stay at the finest hotel Poco has to offer, with views of the breath-taking Lougheed  Highway, and within walking distance of some railroad tracks!!!"  

(Audience goes wild again.)

" . . . But that's not all! You'll also receive 5% off meals at McDonald's restaurant!"

The audience starts flicking lighters and chanting, "Po-Co! Po-Co!" Somebody climbs on the stage and does a body dive into the crowd. Vanna Black saunters out dressed in army fatigues, carrying a fire extinguisher, and begins to laugh maniacally while she proceeds to douse the audience in an effort to calm them down.

Vanna then whirls around on her stiletto'd heel and starts spraying the television crew, yelling obscenities while carrying on a tirade of complaints. "I'm tired of being just a letter-turner!" And "No more will I be a mannequin giving cheap publicity to tacky clothing designers! I quit!!!"

With that, Vanna aims her fire-extinguisher at the camera. 

Indistinct shouting is heard, hands flail in front of the now tipped over camera, then the screen goes blank.

We never did get to find out what was being spelled.

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  1. I think this might be one of those, "you had to be there" things. It is very twisted, silly, and funny. My favourite part is the all expenses paid trip to Porta Coquitlam! What a scream!

    1. I actually almost put that in the story - "ya had to be there". It formed while talking on the phone one day to "Shakira B. O'Neil" and the silliness escalated out of control.


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