Life, Love, Long Hair, Weeping and Gnashing of Teeth, and other mysteries

All this and more, from a semi-Serbian, slightly sane, former editor for physicians and surgeons, who is the mother of seven kids.

Wednesday, 25 January 2012

On "Mixed Messages"

The writing in purple, below, was written by a friend of mine, but it could have been written by me.  Is it universal?  Are there many who think this way?  Or are we a small group of "the rare ones" who "get it"?

My friend has given permission for me to copy his blog entry, which I have done with only minor editing to correct typos and grammar.  Read it as though I am saying it myself, for it is something I, too, could have written.  Could you have, too?

Mixed messages (Saturday, January 21, 2012) 

(From here:  Mixed Messages)

I don't deal well with mixed messages.

Someone said recently that the hardest thing is not knowing what's real, and I agree.

If I was diagnosed with schizophrenia, psychosis, or dementia, it would terrify me, because I couldn't rely on anything to be real (and therefore important) - it would take away the meaning from my life.

Mixed messages from people suck, because it's the same for the reality of your connection to them.

The distress caused by having to keep your opinions and feelings in limbo is always equal to or more than how much that person means to you.

Basically, when I don't know where I stand with someone, they'll see my personality go on hold. I can't help that.

I stopped making assumptions about people a long time ago, because this got in the way of getting to the truth.

In fact even asking a question a certain way, stating or validating certain ideas for the context of the question, can seriously limit their ability to reply.

Problems with not making assumptions:

1) you lose the comfort of the confidence that used to come when you'd naively think that assumptions were safe to make.

2) When you talk to people, they don't know how much you know. They might think you're indecisive, stupid, naive, unaware or numerous other things that might make you look/feel less competent.

3) You need to ask more questions. Proper communication is the absolute most important thing between people, and it appears asking for "too much" information can often make a conversation seem one-sided or even bothersome.

This is a dilemma for me - I need to know what's real, what's important, who I am, what I am to others, and who others actually are.

  • I can make assumptions, and risk offending people.
  • I can ask questions, and risk annoying people/embarrassing myself for things that aren't embarrassing.
  • I can wait for people to tell me things, and risk finding out when it's too late.
  • I can relax about unresolved topics, and risk them thinking I don't care.

Many things, and many people, are too black and white. Whenever someone tells me to find middle ground, that grey area, I wonder how to do this when nobody is willing to compromise.

If I talk to a person, the conversation is light, they complement me, reassure my insecurities and say my habits are okay or they even like them, but then they go and tell someone else or me a totally different story later, and it makes me doubt myself.

How can there be trust if people aren't willing to communicate?

How can people feel secure in what they know if people say things they don't mean?

The world is an OCD nightmare, and to be quite honest, people are scary.

If this resonates with you, please comment. I love communication and welcome your thoughts. (Um, okay Blogger site, you can stop the italicizing now. I'm done quoting. Hello? I'm clicking on the "i" button to un-italicize this, but it's not wooooorrrrr-kiiiiingggg....)

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