Yes, Divorce Is Allowed - Says The Bible

(I've moved this from a different website where I had it before.  I've not had time to go through it after transferring it, so if you read it and find typos or dead links, please let me know.  Thanks.)


I have gathered and written so much regarding the marriage covenant, divorce, remarriage, et cetera, there isn’t time yet for me to compile it all in one volume.  

For now I have put together some excerpts of my studies within these pages for your perusal.   When I have quoted from someone on the internet, I have included a link you may look up for yourself to get the rest of the story.   Please look into these things for yourselves and above all look into the Scriptures.  

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Any man who brings violence and abuse into his family life is putting asunder the marriage covenant that God has blessed. The violence is what breaks up the marriage, and the one responsible for that violence is the one responsible for the breakup. The actual divorce is in fact only the public acknowledgment of the private truth that a marriage has been long since destroyed by abuse.

http://www.computerbob.com/abuse/keeping_the_faith.php



As Christians, we consider marriage to be a covenant between a man, a woman, and God. In this covenant they bind themselves exclusively to each other in love. This love is a gift from God, and expression of this love glorifies God in a very special way. Love is not expressed, and God is not glorified when one or both partners become abusive. Often the church disapproves of divorce because it breaks the covenant. Yet, look at Jeremiah. God did not break the covenant, but considered it broken because of the unfaithfulness of the Chosen People. When one partner violates the other, they have in that moment broken the marriage covenant. When we as the church attempt to shame the victim and hold them to a covenant, which has already been broken, in a sense we violate them again.

http://www.letswrap.com/general/sermon.htm



Matthew 5:32 contains an exception clause, "saving for the cause of fornication."   In Ezra 9 and 10 there is a Bible example of the exception clause in action. It will be studied in detail later in this course.
If a couple is living together in a relationship that God does not recognize as a marriage in the first place, then, because there is no lawful marriage, there can be no lawful divorce, only a putting away. (A separation) So to paraphrase again Matthew 5:32; "The Law says that a lawful divorce (of married people) requires both a putting away and bill of divorcement. But, if they are living together without a lawfully-binding marriage contract for a bill of divorce to void, then the solution is simply a putting away. (As in Ezra 9-10)

http://www.moseshand.com/questions/p60a.htm



QUESTION: Sometimes he is so nice and charming. He goes to church a lot, and everyone there thinks he is wonderful. They just don't know the side that I see at home. Which one is really him?

ANSWER: It is not uncommon for battered women to describe their partners in these terms. There do seem to be two sides to his behavior. His public image is often charming, wonderful, courteous, active at church or in the community; yet, your experience with him is very different. You see his abusive, angry, controlling, manipulative side at home.

If your partner has truly repented and been converted, has genuinely turned to God, then he should perform acts worthy of his repentance; wait for him to no longer be abusive and controlling to anyone. If his conversion is not genuine, if he is only using this as a way to manipulate you or the legal system or his counselor, then you do not have any obligation to respond to him... In other words, there are some persons who are abusive and hateful to others and yet who put on the facade of religion to cover up their true selves. God knows these persons and knows what is really in their hearts. God does not expect us to be gullible and to accept their religiosity at face value. If their actions in private are not consistent, if they are abusive at home but at church are zealous converts, then they are presenting the "outward form of religion," but are denying its reality. Their conversion is a fraud. Do not be deceived by it.

http://www.computerbob.com/abuse/keeping_the_faith.php



In the story of Saul and David, we see that David did not do anything to provoke Saul. In fact, he repeatedly attempted to soothe, appease, use reason, and bargain in order to stop the violence. None of his efforts worked! Many victims of domestic violence find themselves in the same situation. They may spend years trying one thing after another to avoid the abuse and to please the abuser, with little success. It easy for such relationships to progress into a situation in which one person becomes a tyrant and the other experiences fearfulness, confusion, and low self-worth.

The issue becomes clearer when one realizes that domestic violence is not as much about what the victim does or doesn’t do, as it is about an abusive person’s desire to achieve and maintain power and control over another. It is a pattern of coercive, intimidating, or assaultive behavior aimed at controlling the victim through fear of harm or loss, humiliation, belittling, criticism, threats, abusive control and isolation, raging, withholding, physical or psychological assault, etc.

While abuse may occur in any relationship, domestic violence is based on a systematic and repeated pattern of such behaviors with the intent of diminishing another person and maintaining control over them. Meeting an abuser’s demands usually does little to improve the situation, because the abuser relies on the abuse to maintain power and control. When one demand or condition is met, more may appear. The victim may come to feel a sense of futility and hopelessness about the situation, as well as feelings of being inadequate, unworthy, or defective.

http://abigails.org/Studies/Saul&David/blame.htm



The erroneous doctrine of forbidding one to marry after a divorce has been preached and taught in many churches. It has violated the conscience and hearts of those who’ve been divorced, driving them into a constant state of confusion and negatively impacting their lives. The only way for these people to come out of that confused state is to leave the church, and many have done just that. Not only do they leave the church to remarry, they also need to be able to make the right decision to divorce when it’s necessary in order to save themselves and their families before all is destroyed.

In order to understand that there IS marriage after divorce, we will examine the Scriptures in Matthew 19:3-12 focusing on the usage of the Greek word, apoluo. The Greek word apoluo that’s translated “divorce” or “to put away” is a general word. Its primary usage is: to “send” (apoluo) someone home when it’s getting late.  

When two people are leaving each other there is a “separation.”   Apoluo is a separation in general, which does not involve the “legal” aspect of a permanent separation like a divorce. The common usage is seen in the Scripture “When it was evening, His disciples came to Him, saying ‘This is a deserted place, and the hour is already late. SEND (apoluo) the multitudes away, that they may go unto the villages and buy themselves food’” (Matthew 14:15). The Greek word apoluo doesn’t have a legal aspect to it. It’s just a common word that means, “I’m going to go” or, “away from, to separate.” Because of our wrong beliefs about divorce, this key word was purposely translated (incorrectly) so it would not conflict with our beliefs.

When used concerning a marriage it means a separation and NOT a divorce. If a spouse separates intending never to return, then the next step comes into play; the spouse obtains a “certificate of divorce.” This is what the confrontation between Jesus and the Pharisees (the religious lawyers of His day) was about in Matthew 19:3-12. The legal question was, “Do you just separate, OR do you separate AND give a certificate of divorce?” The Greek word used for divorce in these Scriptures means, to “send away” or separate from, NOT a finalized legal divorce.

http://www.divorcehope.com/canchristiansremarryafterdivorce.htm



How the Devil Used the Errors of the Marriage Covenant Being "Unconditional"

The devil was able to spin a web of lies and deceit which drove couples away from the original marriage covenant because of the errors taught by God's church. Of course the church did not decide to teach error; rather, the truth has been lost through time.

Let me explain. I believe that because the truths of marriage, divorce, remarriage, submission and covenant have been lost through time, it gave the devil a powerful opportunity to actually use the errors that are being taught as truth within the church to enslave many of God's people in bad marriages. His church, the very people of God, who have been given the awesome responsibility to uphold these truths have become the very taskmasters enslaving God's people by ignorantly upholding the devil's agenda.

Somewhere down through history well-intended translators of the Bible have adopted these errors as truth. I believe some were done purposely to fit their desires, but most were probably through ignorance. Because the famous Scripture of Malachi 2:16 has been translated and taught as "God hates divorce" instead of its real meaning of "God hates a separation (to marry another person without getting divorced first)," the devil was able to convince us that marriage covenants are unconditional. If he could get the church to believe that marriage covenants are unconditional, he could use the church itself as a prison camp to enslave God's people thereby disabling them from fulfilling the calling of God on their lives because of fear, guilt and shame. Sadly, He has accomplished his mission, to a great extent.

The devil was also able to tie together the wrong translation and teachings of "God hates divorce" to the church teaching that there are no valid claims in which one can divorce (because marriage is taught to be an unconditional covenant). This has propagated the message that the marriage vows (the conditions of the marriage covenant), are useless and invalid, thus binding the victim of the violation into an indissolvable relationship.

http://www.divorcehope.com/marriagevowscovenantsagreements.htm



HOW TO BE HELPFUL TO THE CHRISTIAN BATTERED WOMAN... Particularly with Christian churches, there is a tendency to focus the discussion about wife abuse on the question of how to keep the family together at any cost. Hence, at times the well-intended advice of a pastor or church friend has discouraged the battered woman from leaving an abusive situation, in order to "keep the family together." Tragically, this advice does nothing to stop the abuse and may in fact endanger the battered woman and her children and ultimately destroy the family

HOW TO BE HELPFUL TO THE CHRISTIAN BATTERED WOMAN...
There are three goals that you should keep in mind as you respond to her.

1. Protect the victim (and children) from further abuse. This may mean calling the police to an emergency situation, referring the woman and her children to a shelter or safe home, or helping her to go out of state to stay with a relative. The point is that she needs immediate safety and we need to find a way to provide that as best we can.

2. Stop the abuser's violence. This may also mean calling the police to make an arrest, referring the abuser to a treatment program, or simply confronting him using our pastoral authority and telling him that his violence has to stop. We should not try to accomplish this alone. We need to call on the resources of the community to help him.

3. Restore the marriage and family if possible, or mourn its loss...
...It is possible that even when goals number 1 and 2 are accomplished, the marriage cannot be restored. The damage may be too severe for the woman to ever recover a sense of trust and safety. Or if the abuser refuses to repent and to seek help for his problems, there is no hope for restoration. In these cases, the only option is to mourn the loss of this relationship and deal openly and supportively with the reality of a broken marriage leading to divorce.

http://www.computerbob.com/abuse/keeping_the_faith.php



Excerpts from:   “The Silent Killer of Christian Marriages” – a book by Amy Wildman White

Erica desperately wanted out of her marriage with Jack, but she could not connect her feelings of despair and an almost overpowering desire to escape with anything overtly destructive Jack was doing. Jack was a good father, had no problem with alcohol or drugs, did not chase other women, was a good provider, and had never harmed her physically. By contrast, Erica was aware of her own shortcomings as a wife and mother. She experienced guilt, feelings of inadequacy, and embarrassment over her inability to respond sexually to her husband.

Frequently, this is the presenting picture of a woman in an emotionally abusive marriage. In the absence of physical abuse, neither the woman nor the pastor she seeks out for help is likely to recognize that the emotional climate of the marriage is squeezing the life out of her.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

What is the prognosis for an abusive marriage and what options are open to a woman who is a victim? When a woman begins to recognize manipulation and control and finds the resources to grow toward increasing independence, the marriage is brought to a crisis point. Most likely when the woman is no longer able to be manipulated, the husband will escalate in his abusive patterns.

It may be extremely difficult for the wife to convey what she has experienced. The community will probably be unable to see past the charming ways of the husband. People will often respond in a scrutinizing or critical manner toward the wife or reject her altogether. Many may give the husband a supportive ear instead of holding him accountable. This behavior inadvertently encourages him to continue his abuse. Abusive men draw energy and self-justification from people who listen in silence. When the crowds disappear, the wife becomes the target of his increased anger.

With the escalation of abuse and/or the response of unsupportive friends, the wife may either sink back into a depressed, helpless state or move toward separation and divorce. At this point a husband may become desperate and be willing to work toward change because he knows he will no longer be able to sustain the marriage through control. If the husband is truly broken regarding his behavior, intensive individual and marital counseling are vital for the restoration of the marriage. Some men, however, refuse to change. If a man does refuse to change, what option remains for a woman who is the victim of emotional abuse? What about separation and divorce?

These questions can be answered properly by first understanding the biblical view of marriage. Marriage is, primarily, a covenant with God to love and honor one another, to participate in partnership and mutual submission. Submission is often greatly misunderstood.

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When abuse exists, and the abuser refuses to change his attitudes and behavior, he has in fact abandoned his wife. He has chosen to serve himself instead of carrying out his marital obligations to love, honor, and cherish her. When this occurs, the marriage covenant has been broken. He has in effect chosen divorce by defiantly neglecting his marriage vows, giving the woman the right to file a legal suit.

Unless pastors and counselors can recognize the often subtle and always complex dynamics of emotional abuse, women will continue to be victimized first by their husbands and then by the church or the community. An abusive man who is not held accountable is indirectly supported and given license to continue his destructive patterns, and those around him become enablers. Women are not treated with dignity and respect, as God intended, and so God is not honored.

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Here is another good link that I forgot to include:

Divorce and Remarriage

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And here is a link to my personal story on surviving abuse, going through divorce, and then remarriage: Why I Escaped

Thanks for reading. 

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Calligraphy and My First Full Time Job

I've long had a love for words, not just in how they sound but also in how they appear in print.

When I was 19, I bought a book called Letraset Product Manual, for the sole purpose of flipping through to admire the artistic letter styles.  It was hard to find and wasn't cheap, but I had income, very few responsibilities, and an eclectic taste in art.

When I was 21, I took a brief calligraphy course through the local Continuing Ed.  After that, I hand calligraphed some certificates for a non-profit organization, but never used this skill for my financial gain.

My already neat handwriting improved, though.  I take joy in adding a flourish to the tails on my lower case y's or g's even on things as mundane as grocery lists.

What a joy for me when I discovered computer fonts, which were rapidly growing in those mid 1980s.

My first full time job at the age of 18 was as a typesetter for the local newspaper.

Basic fonts like Helvetica and Times New Roman were employed by the dinosaur typesetting machines on which I transcribed handwritten notes from reporters into camera-ready sheets for layout.

But there were some fonts that caught my eye, which I could not resist occasionally sneaking to use for frivolous things such as my name.

Oooh, if my boss would have caught me, I know he would have screamed at me in front of everyone in the office.  If you knew my boss, you would know that is no exaggeration.  Ernie Bexley was a notorious name in the newspaper industry around Vancouver, BC.

Seriously, one time he called me into his office, where his stern wife stood glaring at me.  The two of them proceeded to yell at me about the hat I was wearing during work.

I had never heard of a "no hats" policy in the production room of the place I'd worked for nearly two years.

On and on they went until I left the office with tears in my eyes.

As I walked past the reporters, a few of them gave me sympathetic glances.  I knew full well that they, too, had been yelled at by the Bexleys, and not necessarily in the privacy of a thin-walled office.

The Bexleys had challenged me to find any other newspaper who allowed the wearing of hats in the production room.

So that is exactly what I did when I got home.

I called, among a few other newspaper production rooms, Pacific Press, where the Vancouver Sun and The Province are produced.

"I'm calling to ask what your policy is on people wearing hats in the production room," I said.

The bemused voice on the other end went along with my odd question and we conversed.

In short, it was revealed to me that there was no concern whatsoever as to what clothing was chosen by production staff as they were out of the public eye.

The question was posed to me, "May I ask which newspaper has given you such a hard time?"

As soon as I said, "The Delta Optimist," I could almost see the knowing nod of a head and the rolling of eyes as the man said, "Ah, yes, Ernie Bexley."

It is now a laughable memory for me, and working from home, I don't expect I will ever be in a position of hearing negative words from abusive bosses again.  I am free to squander company time if I so choose, because I am my own company.

Here's one site I found in a recent squandering session:

DaFont.com


And here are a few lovely signatures I have sampled on that site:

This one is called "Delinquente".  I like that title.

This one is "Before The Rain".

This one has the odd title of "Ink In The Meat".

This one is "Jellyka Delicious", and looks quite like something I would write by hand.

  This one is called  "Respective".

This one is "Some Weatz" (whatever that means).

This one is entitled "The King and Queen".




This last one is called "Sh*t Happens" (without the asterisk, but I avoid cuss words in my writing.)

OK, my squander session is over for today.  Thanks for reading, and may you be inspired to write some pointless blog entries of your own, knowing that you yourself have taken the time to read something as pointless as this.  Muah!

Squandrously yours,






Aerosmith:  Kings and Queens

And, oh, my, I cannot resist adding one more song to this blog:

(Dang you, EMI, for blocking the studio version from my country.  Oh well, y'all probably know this Joe Cocker song, "You Can Leave Your Hat On", and possibly its famous scene to go with it from the movie "9-1/2 Weeks", but anyway, Mr. Bexley, now deceased, I'm gon' leave mah hat on.  Cha!)

Songs on Facebook and Half An Hour Of My Day

Sometimes I post a lot of songs on Facebook.

Lest anyone get the mistaken notion that I sit on the computer all day listening to music, here's a portion of  an hour on an average Saturday morning in my home.  (A weekday, however, when I work for pay, from home, is a whole different and more frightful story, about which I might blog another day.)

Right now, I am making lasagna.  ("No, yer not, yer writing on E-Blogger, I can SEE you...")

Shu'p, OK?  I am making lasagna.

There is a computer in the kitchen, which is primarily for the kids to use, but today I am hogging it, blasting music by which to make lasagna.

Here and there I randomly "share" a song to Facebook, often accompanied by a note as to what's going on in my home or in my mind, but sometimes with no note so people can wonder as they please.

So, now I go stir the pot a bit.  (Shu'p again, ya hear?)

And then I come back and put on another song I've got in mind, or look at the options on Youtube's sidebar for ideas.  Right now, Led Zeppelin's "The Ocean" is goin' "La, la, lalala, la, laaa, lalala lala lala laaaaaaaaaa..."

Then I go chop some garlic to saute, like I'm about to do right now...

And now I'm listening to Zep's "Good Times, Bad Times", which is short, so I'll be back pretty quick for another one.

Yes, I do know how to set up an automatic song list on Youtube, but it's time consuming.   Sometimes I like the spur-of-the-momentness of doing it this way, which works well with the blog entry I'm writing.

As I am partially through peeling a pile of garlic, my almost-three-year-old princess runs past me, saying in a happy, song-y voice, "Gimme, gimme, gimme", which leads me to put on ABBA's, "Gimme Gimme Gimme."

Little Princess stops running, sidles up to me with her smile and says, "This called Mamma-Mia!"

She remembers this song from one of my favorite movies, Mamma Mia! which she saw last summer.  Kids amaze me.

Where is my husband in all this?  He's upstairs vacuuming with our seven-year-old son.  (Heehee, don't hate me coz I have a husband who vacuums!)

See that blank space above this paragraph?  That represents about ten minutes of me doing about five different things to do with cooking, cleaning, and kids.

"Chiquitita" by ABBA is now cranking out of the computer speakers.  My husband is still upstairs vacuuming.  Perhaps there is a correlation there.

OK, if I play Stevie Ray Vaughan, let's see if he stops vacuuming.  If he doesn't, I bet he'll want to.

Five minutes later... sautee'd garlic now added to the sauce... smellin' goooooood...

Man came downstairs, but he's not happy.  He's discovered bits of paper have been shoved into a heat register, no doubt by the kids.

Dang.  Pour me another song.

But again I am whisked away, to answer the call of "I'm hungry, Mama!"

Scoop some leftover rice pasta into a bowl, zap in microwave, melt in a little virgin coconut oil, sprinkle with sea salt and parmesan, add child and spoon to high chair, et voila.

Run downstairs to take a load of laundry out of  the dryer...

See a clean load of laundry strewn on the floor and realize, "So, THAT'S where my 4-year-old son found the empty laundry basket he was dragging around, and in which he got me to swing him in circles a few minutes ago..."

...take another load out of the washer to put in the dryer, run back upstairs...

Where was I?  Sigh.  It's getting to the point where it's not fun anymore... time for another song.

 The above took about half an hour.  Imagine what I can do in a day.

Hot Beverages - No Shugga Tonight!

As I poured myself a cup from the pot of coffee my 17-year-old daughter brewed, I thought of how nice it is that she makes coffee.

Then I thought of how my 19-year-old daughter used to set out two mugs before bed - one for me and one for herself - each with a green-tea bag leaning up against it, ready for the morning, back before she grew up and moved out on her own.

And then I remembered how my 14-year-old daughter used to be "the Krakus maker" when she was little.  I'd be working on something homeschooly in the living room with her older two sisters, and she'd call from the kitchen, "Who wants Krakus?" And she'd make a tea-pot full of it for us all.

Hot beverages.  They warm more than your mouth.  They warm your heart.

That sounds corny!

Reminds me of the adage about firewood warming you twice.  I do know that to be true, having split many a log round in my day.  A splitting maul and sledge-hammer were a couple of my buddies back in the wilderness of Alaska.

Hmm... Maybe I'll blog about my Alaska days sometime.


Thinking further back, I remember when my mom left my dad, when I was in my late teens.  The biggest hole in my life with her being gone was that I missed drinking coffee with her in the mornings before I went to work.

Further back still, I recall how my dad used to make me hot tea with whiskey or wine in it whenever I got sick.  Not a huge amount, mind you.  About a cap-full (which, being whiskey, could taste pretty darn strong) in a cup of Red Rose tea, mixed with honey.

He did that as far back as I can remember.  I always assumed it was a Serbian thing he carried over from "de old country".

More than the temporary sleepiness or physical healing brought by the medicinal beverages, though, I still carry the indelible love benefits of the memory, feeling my dad's long-ago concern for me.

And best of all, for me, was when my dad came home from work, he'd often say, "Who wants the speck?"

"The speck" was the last few drops of lukewarm coffee with sugar and milk in my dad's construction-site-worn thermos.

The tradition of "the speck" continues as all my kids have gotten specks from me.

But really, it's the little things... ya know?

Randomosities Of a Long Haired Person

On a long-hair discussion board, the topic of stereotypes of long-haired people was brought up.  I will share my contribution here so the bored person has something to read.




So, a few things I'll throw out there about me, for whatever it's worth, in no particular order:

1. I wear Birkenstocks, sometimes even in winter

2. For 12 years, I baked all my bread (ground my own wheat, too - had to quit when I had to start working for a living)

3. I've made my own gluten-free, sugar-free granola many times (sweetened only with stevia)

4. I generally avoid sugar

5. I have a homeopathic doctor who's helped my family in many ways

6. I also have a naturopathic doctor

7. I'll go to an allopathic doctor if absolutely necessary but they have seldom helped me

8. I gave birth to my last (7th) baby at home, unassisted, with not even a doula (not brave, not crazy, just educated!) (That birth story at this link)

9. I'm a staunch homeschooler, but some of my kids do go to public school (against my will - long story, see here:  Why I Escaped and From What Did I Escape?)

10. Sometimes I wear makeup, sometimes I don't

11. I love tie-dyed clothing, own a lot, and have made a bit myself

12. I'm a poet

13. I'm a writer

14. Sometimes I wear long skirts, sometimes yoga pants, sometimes jeans, sometimes camo, but always cotton

15. I play guitar passably, and sing

16. My musical taste is eclectic - metal, country, folk, random alternate unnamed style, Christian, etc

17. I drink green tea with stevia and organic soy milk

18. I love apples

19. I believe that Jesus died for my sins, on the third day He rose again, and that I will spend eternity in heaven with Him.

20. There's more to me than that, but I gotta get back to work (doing medical transcription here at home).

Tuning a guitar in a hotel room...

Back of my hair just before I got it trimmed (after not having a trim in 10-1/2 months), 34-1/2" length from crown of head, over top of head, down to longest point at waist.

For more long haired rambling, here's another entry from this same blogger:  Hair Wasn't Easy To Grow

Men

Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men...

Oooh, I hate that show "Two And A Half Men", although I admit the theme song is funny and head-sticking.

But I do like men!

Before you jump to the conclusion that I'm some kind of hussy (LOL! What a word - "hussy"), hear me out.

I feel I need to explain myself on the fact that I like men as opposed to being a "man-hater", as one man has accused me of being.

To accuse me of being a "man-hater" is, to me, outrageous.

There are men with a lot of good in them, and there are men with a lot of bad in them, but I couldn't fairly say that I believe all men are bad and therefore should be hated. To me, that is immature thinking at best, and delusional or even psychotic thinking at worst.

One evening last month, I went into my basement and my nostrils were assaulted by the scent of men's cologne.

I loudly said, "It smells like men down here."

Two of my teenaged daughters were sitting on my 17-year-old daughter's bed, having just sprayed some Axe into the air.

My 14-year-old daughter started singing, "Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men..."

My 17-year-old daughter said, "Attractive men?"

I said, "Well, yes, preferably."

But I was being silly.

Really, if there were ANY men in our basement, I would not be concerned about whether or not they were attractive.

Any person in my basement would give rise to the question, "Who are you and what are you doing in my basement?" regardless of gender, asked verbally, or by silently watching to find out the answer.

I may be a strange kind of woman, but to be honest (and there is no better way to be), I don't notice men very often. I recently told this to one of my best friends, who is a man, and he found it hard to believe, but I swear it is true.

Most of my closest friends are men. And something I have noticed about them is that all but one of them live with their mother.

That's gotta be good, huh? Men who love their mothers so much that even though they are grown men, they choose to live with her. The only one who doesn't is my husband, but before he met me, he was considering moving in with his mom, as his life was falling apart all around him. But that's another story for another blog entry.

One of my man friends lives in Ontario with both his parents. Another resides in Terrace, BC, also with both his parents. One occupies a piece of Mississippi real estate with his "ma". And one lives in jolly olde England with his "mum".

I used to have a friend who lived with an elderly woman who was not his mother for whom he was a caregiver. Interestingly, he was very hateful towards his mother. Interestingly he is no longer my friend. And, interestingly, he was the one who accused me of being a man-hater.

If a man does not love his mother, I think it's a pretty good indicator of his attitude towards women in general.

My dad never spoke to me about his mother. He left her and his brothers behind in Serbia when he emigrated to Canada in the 1950s. I don't even know her name and don't expect my dad will tell me as he won't return my calls.

And my dad was not nice to my mom. And no wonder my mom left him. And my dad now has nothing to do with either of his own children, those being my sister and me, by his choice.

Given that kind of relationship with my father, I might be a candidate for hating men. But I am not so blind as to say "All men suck" just because my dad is a _______ (insert negative description of your choice to refer to men who cut off relationship with their own children).

And hey, my dad raised me for 18 years, for better or for worse. I am grateful for that much from him.

At the age of 13, a man who was 21 entered my life and did some bad things to me. If you knew the story, you might think I'd go on to hate men. But, no, I did not.

From age 18 till 36, I was involved with a man who treated me like a subhuman. I could have hated men because of that, but instead I chose to stay with him for 18 years, hoping for positive change. Eventually, sanity started to grow in my heart and I found a way out.

I was fully prepared to live without any man, not because I hated men, but because I didn't need one.

I don't need one.

But it's nice that I do have one with whom I get along most of the time.

No human being is perfect. Heck, look at me - my man has got to live with ME and I'm far from perfect.

Furthermore, I continue to befriend the odd man from time to time, when they happen to be friend-worthy, just as I would with friend-worthy women.

And anyone who says "a woman can't be 'just friends' with a man" reeks of the ex and is someone with whom I don't want to chill.

I love the Biblical account in John chapter 8, when Jesus says of the woman accused of adultery, "He that is without sin among you, let him first cast a stone at her," and everyone leaves.

No man - no person - is without sin.

And no man is an island. No woman is, either. We need EACH OTHER, but that's not to be confused with needing each other in order to be happy. I can't do everything by myself - can you? Heck, how do you think I had seven kids?

I leave you with a song by the Rossington-Collins Band, "One Good Man".

"All we like sheep have gone astray; we have turned every one to his own way; and the LORD hath laid on him the iniquity of us all." ~Isaiah 53:6

Life, Family, Home, and Bread

I was requested, by my newest friend on the planet, to write a blog entry on "life, family, and home". But prior to that, he had asked me to write about bread.

Being one who is short on time but loves to write, I will attempt to blend all four subjects in one note.

Life. Hmm. Well, I'm breathing, so that must mean I'm alive. But simply to be alive isn't really living, is it? In the words of George Strait, "If you ain't lovin', then you ain't livin'."

And I'm definitely lovin'. I'm one of those people who has more love than can be contained in one bag of bones. Good thing I've got seven children on whom to lavish love.

One might think I have no time to write, with all these children. I would argue, however, that because I have so many children, I MUST write, to keep a semblance of sanity.

"Home. Home again. I like to be here when I can. And when I come home cold and tired, it's good to warm my bones beside the fire." Oh, how I love the music of Pink Floyd.

I've been to a psychiatrist or two in my day, where I asked if there was anything wrong that needs to be fixed. Apparently, at least according to the DSM-IV, I've got nothing they can fix, but I do see some traits of OCD in me. Maybe everyone has a bit of that.

You see, for me, I've got to have my home in order or it's hard for me to focus and relax. That's not to say my home IS always spotless, because it certainly is not. But until it is at least close to clean, I do not feel relaxed. If there are crumbs on the carpet that need vacuuming, I feel stressed out every time I see them. However, once I, or my husband, or one of the kids, get around to vacuuming, I love to admire the cleanness of my old crappy carpet, and just "breathe... breathe in the air... don't be afraid to care... leave, don't leave me... look around, choose your own ground..." (Oops! Pink Floyding again!)

Someday soon, I want to choose my own ground. I want to rip out all of this old crappy carpet and have laminate flooring installed. That would be so much easier to keep clean, with all these people in our home.

Two and a half more truck payments and I will no longer have any debt, other than my mortgage. I am seriously thinking that my next debt will be because of laminate flooring.

People need to eat, and people need a place to eat. Unfortunately, all too often it ends up being in the living room. Bread crumbs are not nice to see on the carpet.

Sigh. Bread. Bread and I go way back. Right now, I've discovered that if I eat bread, I gain weight. So I try to avoid it. In years past, I baked all of my own bread. It became a thing of pride for me, to never buy "store bought bread".

Since about 1995, I have been buying sacks of wheat and storing them in my deep-freeze, to grind in my electric grain grinder. Anything that requires flour gets the fresh-flour treatment in my home. No rancid store-bought flour lurking in my baked goods if I can help it.

But, oh, there goes that pride again. Yes, I do sometimes buy (gasp!) white flour. And occasionally I use it. But so seldom do I get time to bake anything anymore, it's not that big of a deal.

I can bake a mean batch of whole wheat bread. Ask anyone who's tried it - it is GOOD. But when it doesn't turn out, it can sap my joy for the rest of the day. All that work and nothing but a load of bricks to show for it.

Back in the bad ol' days, I cooked everything from scratch. It was expected of me. Now that I am free, it costs me more, but freedom does come at great price. "I can't complain, but sometimes I still do." (Thank you, Joe Walsh, for that quote.)

And that is all I am going to say about life, family, home, and bread for today. I now leave you with the George Strait song from which I quoted earlier.

On "Mixed Messages"

The writing in purple, below, was written by a friend of mine, but it could have been written by me.  Is it universal?  Are there many who think this way?  Or are we a small group of "the rare ones" who "get it"?

My friend has given permission for me to copy his blog entry, which I have done with only minor editing to correct typos and grammar.  Read it as though I am saying it myself, for it is something I, too, could have written.  Could you have, too?

Mixed messages (Saturday, January 21, 2012) 

(From here:  Mixed Messages)

I don't deal well with mixed messages.

Someone said recently that the hardest thing is not knowing what's real, and I agree.

If I was diagnosed with schizophrenia, psychosis, or dementia, it would terrify me, because I couldn't rely on anything to be real (and therefore important) - it would take away the meaning from my life.

Mixed messages from people suck, because it's the same for the reality of your connection to them.

The distress caused by having to keep your opinions and feelings in limbo is always equal to or more than how much that person means to you.

Basically, when I don't know where I stand with someone, they'll see my personality go on hold. I can't help that.

I stopped making assumptions about people a long time ago, because this got in the way of getting to the truth.

In fact even asking a question a certain way, stating or validating certain ideas for the context of the question, can seriously limit their ability to reply.

Problems with not making assumptions:

1) you lose the comfort of the confidence that used to come when you'd naively think that assumptions were safe to make.

2) When you talk to people, they don't know how much you know. They might think you're indecisive, stupid, naive, unaware or numerous other things that might make you look/feel less competent.

3) You need to ask more questions. Proper communication is the absolute most important thing between people, and it appears asking for "too much" information can often make a conversation seem one-sided or even bothersome.

This is a dilemma for me - I need to know what's real, what's important, who I am, what I am to others, and who others actually are.

• I can make assumptions, and risk offending people.
• I can ask questions, and risk annoying people/embarrassing myself for things that aren't embarrassing.
• I can wait for people to tell me things, and risk finding out when it's too late.
• I can relax about unresolved topics, and risk them thinking I don't care.

Many things, and many people, are too black and white. Whenever someone tells me to find middle ground, that grey area, I wonder how to do this when nobody is willing to compromise.

If I talk to a person, the conversation is light, they complement me, reassure my insecurities and say my habits are okay or they even like them, but then they go and tell someone else or me a totally different story later, and it makes me doubt myself.

How can there be trust if people aren't willing to communicate?

How can people feel secure in what they know if people say things they don't mean?

The world is an OCD nightmare, and to be quite honest, people are scary.


If this resonates with you, please comment. I love communication and welcome your thoughts. (Um, okay Blogger site, you can stop the italicizing now. I'm done quoting. Hello? I'm clicking on the "i" button to un-italicize this, but it's not wooooorrrrr-kiiiiingggg....)

Writing Advice???

I just wanted to share one of my favorite pages of writing advice:

http://www.plainlanguage.gov/examples/humor/writegood.cfm

Keep in mind that it is not serious. One has to laugh sometimes.

And from my favorite humour writer, Patrick F. McManus, some serious writing advice:

http://www.patrickfmcmanus.com/Writers%27%20Forum.html

Pickup Idea For Single Men

Today while I was minding my own bidness in the grocery store (yes, I said bidness), I was approached by a gentleman probably a few years older than me.

"Excuse me, ma'am?"

"Huh?" I look up, shocked that someone who didn't know my name was talking to me.

He directed me back an aisle with his hand pointing at the cake mixes. As I followed, he said, "Do you know anything about cake mixes?"

"Well, a little..." What, because I'm female, I'm supposed to know about cake mixes?

"I'm trying to find a chocolate cake mix," he explains, "but they're all devil's food cake."

I'm starting to smile and holding back a laugh at the thought that comes to mind, complete with Louisiana bayou accent of Mama in the movie Waterboy, but instead I dryly say, "Well, actually, I think chocolate cake IS the devil's food," and I emphasize it with silence at the end.

He thinks about it for a few seconds and then laughs, saying, "Yes, I guess you are right."

I add, to be polite, "If you look at the generic brands, you might find some that just call it 'chocolate cake', but the ones that say 'devil's food cake' really are the same as chocolate cake."

He thanked me and I went on my way.

That whole episode would be a good pickup line for a guy. It would also serve the dual purpose of finding out a little about a woman's kitchen prowess, giving a little foreshadowing of how much cooking he'd end up having to do if he roped in this particular girl. Isn't that what the whole dating game is about? Finding someone to do yer cookin' and yer laundry fer ya?

If I was single and interested, I'd have said something like, "Well, therein lies your problem. You need a good woman who knows how to bake a proper cake. Here's my number. Call if you need any help. Farewell."

Then the ball is in his court, no questions asked, nothing lost on anyone's part.

There's your woman-hunting suggestion. Try it and let me know how it goes.