Overthinking

Ever been accused of "overthinking" something? It's usually not said in a nice way, either.

I don't think there's anything wrong in wanting to make sense of stuff, but if we don't have the necessary ingredients for providing answers, our minds can make up stories based on our own perceptions and experiences. I don't know, maybe not everyone is like this and they might be able to not care, but that's how it is for me.

I was talking with an old friend named Reza in 2011 about the topic of "overthinking". He said something that made so much sense, I saved it in a file. Here it is:

“Overthinking” is:  Not being properly informed, so you compensate with (often) negative assumptions based on insecurities that may be linked to the reason you’re missing information.

Overthinking is not: Thinking about something another person cannot be bothered to think about."

I don't consider myself to be insecure, but I know that insecurities can surface. Sometimes they are annoying, but other times they might be a cautionary tool purchased from a lesson learned.

The typical example is having burned your hand on a stove and then that caused you to be cautious around hot stoves henceforth.

The following is from an article I read about overthinking. I only wish the author had gotten me to proofread it before they published it, but other than that, it's got good information and I can relate to a lot of it. Still, I try not to let my problems affect others, and so I internalize and that probably makes it worse for me.

I did some copy-editing and share it right here:

Overthinking. It’s the nights you spend not sleeping as mistakes you’ve made in the past act as a plague to your mind. It’s worrying about things that might never happen as you dwell over the things that have.

It’s every fear you have that paralyzes you. And as you think more, you hold back tears.

It’s failure becoming your worst reality in your mind. Failing a class. Failing at a job. Failing in relationships.

People who overthink tend to strive for unrealistic expectations which lead to success.

But the cost is exhaustion maintaining it.

It’s being both physically and emotionally exhausted from a brain that never slows down or shuts off.

It’s the constant need for answers and responses just to keep your mind at bay and calm.

Overthinking is the voice of criticism that is trying to destroy you as it doubts everyone and everything around you. Then it makes you doubt yourself and second-guess everything. You often don't follow your first instinct when you overthink things. It’s following the destructive path down which your mind leads you and you can’t make it stop if you want.

Overthinking is like some fire you can’t control and it destroys everything in its path, including you.

It’s the critical voice that clings to mistakes only to bring them up later.

Overthinking feels like you’re constantly waiting for something but you don’t actually know what it is you’re waiting for.

Waiting for something to change.

Waiting for something to go wrong.

Waiting for someone to get mad.

Waiting for something to end dramatically and it is your fault.

Overthinking comes bearing apologies you didn’t need to say in the first place but you’re sorry for questioning and thinking the worst. It leads you to thinking every worst-case scenario will be a reality.

Overthinking leads you to be overly cautious with everything.

Overthinking is like tiptoeing around everything like there are shards of broken glass below your feet and any wrong move will lead to pain. It’s the fear of relationships because you need so much in a partner you wonder if you are better off alone.

Because how do you even explain to someone "It isn’t you I’m doubting or don’t trust. My mind is leading me to be so cautious"?

How do you explain to someone you’re interested in that you need to hear certain phrases over and over again like, “It’s okay” or “We are okay” or “I’m not leaving you”?

Overthinking in relationships is accepting you aren’t going to be the strong and confident one.

It’s needing that reassurance for every doubt.

It’s needing someone to be honest all the time and to explain things very thoroughly.

It’s the conversations that might be awkward but the person needs to be able to communicate. To tell you when something is wrong. To tell you when they are mad. To tell you exactly what they are thinking.

It’s the fights to which you want solutions immediately because if you don’t your mind will create ten more problems.

It’s listening to scenarios that are very real in your mind even though to another person it can be so "out there".

Overthinking is caring too much and no matter how much someone else’s opinion "shouldn’t" matter or that ignored text "shouldn’t" even impact you, under the surface, you are wondering "What have I done wrong? And what can I do to fix it?"

The root of overthinking is just wanting people to accept you and be happy with you because you are still learning how to be happy with yourself. It’s choosing words so carefully because you never want to intentionally hurt someone.

Overthinking is the relationships that end and you think it’s you that is to blame.

Overthinking is the solutions you want to find to fix something that isn’t even a problem.

Overthinking is the want and need to control things because it feels like this thing in your life controls you.

But you know you learn to adapt to that thing that hurts to live with but you don’t even remember what it was like to live without it.

And as you navigate through ramped-up thoughts, you’ll find comfort in others who love you through this flaw, as they learn to adapt to having someone like you as a part of their life, and they are the ones who help you through it, constantly reminding you they won’t leave. From this article: So Much More Than Anxiety

His Grace Is Sufficient - by Jennifer Knapp

I've exhausted every possible solution

I've tried every last game there is to play
In this search for the Christ-like perfection
I'm convinced I've only left my God ashamed

I cry I wonder can He hear my despair
Afraid to lift my hands afraid He doesn't care
And if He answers and I fall again
Can I still be his daughter can I still depend on him?

When I'm down I search every mistake
I'm looking for new regrets
Sometimes I forget, I forget
That His grace is sufficient for me
That it's deeper and wider than I can conceive
His Grace is sufficient for me

My convictions seem to fade with desperation
My hope declines with each and every tear
My sin, an anchor and this grace just an illusion
The gavel's heavy and justice is near

Up comes the light and finds the stains on my hands
Up comes my pride, I hide, I know He won't understand
Because it's deeper than deep and it's wider than wide
Why did I ever doubt? Now I'm dying inside

When I'm down, I search every mistake

I'm looking for new regrets

Sometimes I forget, I forget

That His grace is sufficient for me

That it's deeper and wider than I can conceive

His Grace is sufficient for me

♡

Internet Bullies and Youtube's Authority

Misogyny: "woman-hater," from Greek "misos", meaning "hatred", + Greek "gunê" for "woman" (think "gynecology")

Not that any kind of hateful treatment from one human to another is acceptable, but this blog entry demonstrates a type of hatred I'm shocked to see happening in the world. The absence of respectful manners toward a fellow human being, coupled with unveiled hatred for women from this person named Shane is remiscent of the way my ex husband treated me - hence his "ex" status.

Because even the vilest of sinners can have a change of heart, I have chosen to hide full names. Besides, I'm making fun of him, and he doesn't need to know it. My intent is not to hurt, but to point out in a slightly lighthearted manner a flaw in society: the absence of respectful communication. 

I believe we all should take charge of our words and tones in an attempt to improve the world by first improving ourselves.

As you read this, think about how YOU would respond, and let me know in the comment section or whichever other way you have of reaching me. I'm curious how others would deal with such a situation - whether it be addressing a woman who apparently is seeking help, or responding to someone who has just dissed her.

Getting to the point, here is a screenshot of a question that was posted in a Dodge Ram trucks group on Facebook:

Elmira received a lot of mature, helpful replies. Most of the humans who responded had some understanding that not everyone knows how to take apart the headlamp on a truck. However, a boy named Shane chose to say something indicative of a misogynistic and immature mindset. Here is how his unhelpful comment went, along with its replies:

Note Shane's use of a "you statement" (for some info on that type of abuse-speak, see here: "You Statements") where he presumes to know what Elmira's intent is ("...you just want to be told instead of learning yourself"). A flag of immaturity glows red right there.

Shane's wording comes across as suggesting that it is somehow wrong to be "told" something, and that if one is TOLD, one isn't actually learning.

Hmm... doesn't learning often involve being told something? It looks like poor Shane hasn't yet learned how to use the word "woman" when referring to one woman, rather than "women", which is the plural form of woman, so using his logic, he should be looking that up on Youtube before writing a comment in a Facebook group.

I see Master Shane has also yet to discover the use of "too" in a sentence, but rather falls into the childish misuse of "to" when he writes "to lazy".

Assuming he meant "too lazy" and he has been too lazy to Youtube for help on correct word usage, I wonder what he considers to be research that isn't so lax... something less lazy and more strenuous, such as studying auto mechanics at a trade school for several weeks or even months, followed by undergoing an apprenticeship. Or better yet, rewinding time so one can go back and be tutored in person by another mechanic, perhaps their dad, an older relative, or a friend. That ought to qualify a person as non-lazy!

Oh, wait... Youtube is the final authority. That's what a "regular person" uses when needing answers. One must not interact on Facebook with questions when one is in a group for a common interest, unless one is completely knowledgeable in all aspects of that subject. If anyone with lesser knowledge dares to ask a question, if one thinks like Shane, it will be assumed that the questioner is either:

A. Stupid
B. Unschooled in the existence and use of Youtube
C. A woman


Sarcastically: Let's all be like Shane. He's REGULAR because he uses Youtube. Maybe he also eats extra oatmeal to keep that regularity flowing.

Kyle might be regular, too, as he is jumping on in support of Shane, although I see Kyle hasn't Youtubed to find out he should have used the word "themselves" and not split it into "them selves" like that.

All that aside, what Elmira did not mention (trust me here - I have it on good authority) is that she actually did look videos up on Youtube, a few of them, prior to even taking the first screw out. She learned how many screws and bolts there were supposed to be and their approximate location by watching those videos, and by watching the video she included in her post, you would see and hear as she pointed to the parts she already removed. 

If one would have watched Elmira's video and heard her narration, one might guess she made not a bad random guess for a woman with such low mechanical skills that she'd go to a group on Facebook to inquire for help. Or maybe she really did learn something from Youtube already.

I failed in my screen-shooting there. I will have to do some research on how to do it properly. Perhaps The Shane School Of Everything You Need To Know About Everything can help me. For now, here is the rest of that comment after I hit the "see more" part.

Bret is an admin in that group. He was responding to another post Elmira had put up, wherein she requested that an admin contact her. Here:

I see Bret and Elmira differ concerning what constitutes wrong.

When Elmira pointed out the rules from the group's pinned post, a few moments later that little conversation disappeared. One can surmise on the reasons behind why an admin chose to delete that thread, but I won't presume to read their lives.

I had already saved a screenshot, though, thinking this topic might make an interesting blog entry.

In case those rules show up as small and blurry for the reader, here is a zoomed-in version:

If anyone is secretly searching the internet for answers on how to treat others, because the Almighty Youtube was unable to fully educate you, and you've landed on this blog entry, I offer these words, which "Thumper" (along with most moms, myself included) quoted from someone else in Disney's Bambi:

"If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all."

Failing that, and you really want to rant, set yourself up with a blog and do what I just did by writing this. But please, respect the dignity of others by not using their full or real names, no matter how nauseatingly adolescent their communication may be.

Getting along with your neighbour is not rocket science. It can be done without a university degree or certificate from college or trade school. Heck, you don't even have to Youtube it, although you can if that makes you feel better.

It starts with whoever you call "me", and that goes for all of us. Are you willing to get along? I am.

Here, I'll throw in a quick link to a song on the world's premier source of education - Youtube - that will spell it out for you:

("Get Along", by Kenny Chesney)

EDITED TO ADD: I hadn't thought of this while writing the article, because it was not the point of the thing I witnessed. However, someone brought it to my attention that it could have been the other way around, and a woman might have been dissing a man. Yes. It could have been, perhaps in a different forum on another topic, but in this instance, I was only writing about this one experience. Had it been the other way around, and had I seen a woman demonstrating misandry to a man, I would have been disgusted by her, probably would have reported her to the admins (like I did in the case of Elmira's offender), and may well have also written a blog entry in defense of the man, from my perspective. NO abuse of another human being is acceptable.